A Case of the Mondays
Despite having a relatively wonderful weekend celebrating my sweet husband’s birthday, I found myself taking a “mental health day” today.
I mean, I was telling him this morning, “It’s so weird, it’s like when you wake up with an unexpected stomach virus … except in this case, I woke up with a staggering case of anxiety.”
Where To Begin?
Even though I struggled with guilt (for more than half the day) over taking the day off in the first place, at least I could occasionally let a little gratitude seep in today while considering the fact that we work for ourselves and we work from home. Calling in to work, was basically talking to the Hubs. So, there’s that.
I have been so distractible lately. I just can’t seem to concentrate on any of the stuff I really “need” to be focusing on.
I have an laundry list of things I want to accomplish this year and an iceberg-sized enormity of thoughts that I want to write about and no flipping idea where to start. And, of course, I want it all to come flowing out of my head in some amazing pre-packaged way and already ready already for your consumption, but the fear that these thoughts will come out in a complete jumbled mess literally has me almost paralyzed.
Typing a single thought is so hard right now.
So yeah … to keep going here … one foot in front of the other …
Paralysis and Analysis
I did manage to publish my last post (the prelude to my laundry list of resolutions) recently even though it took a month to write it. I still don’t have that full resolution list written out, either. I’ve started it. I just haven’t finished it and I’m not comfortable sharing it — yet. I don’t know whether I’m being a perfectionista here or not. More than likely that is part of the problem.
I’m thinking though, part of my mental block might also be me getting tied up in knots over … how much to share? Where is the appropriate line between helpful-to-others and TMI.
I know part of my anxiety paralysis is related to being financially strapped for soooo long, too. So, blogging seems indulgent at a time when I need to be focused on making money to keep the ship afloat. I think I may even have some PTSD issues regarding money … and I worry that the fear surrounding money is going to keep me frozen and unproductive at a time when I really need to stay upbeat and positive so I can keep my creative mind open and moving forward.
Looking for the Sparkle
So, rather than letting myself succumb to some dark and depressive thoughts or letting myself get stuck in panic, I’ve been trying to feed my mind and soul with the kind of sparkly input my ADHD brain finds so very interesting this year … as a way to hopefully inspire me to action … to motivate me … and I may have just gone and overdone it and blown a mental gasket.
Even so, that hasn’t curbed my desire for learning more from the realm of personal development. It’s just made me good for nothing on the stuff that seems more mundane to my brain.
I’ve been reading, consuming and watching the bold and beautiful inspirational words, talks and interviews from the likes of Elizabeth Gilbert, Jonathan Fields, Brene Brown, Anne Lamott, Marie Forleo, Tim Ferris, Tony Robbins, Terry Crews, Jessica McCabe, Faith Broussard Cade, Dan Johnston, Alyssa Shaw, along with other various bloggers and TED talks. There’s so much good stuff out there. And it’s so hard because I feel such a need to find a way to turn on my light and start shining it out there, but feel so incapable of doing just that.
I really want to figure my way out of this briar patch of a brain and get into the goldmine of untapped potential that lies beneath all this “crazy.” I know it’s in there — buried, trapped under the mire of fear and regret and the voices of nay-sayers in my head. So many of those I admire in the paragraph above would tell me to get out of my head, stop thinking and just start doing.
They’re right, too. And that’s why I’m writing this and why I’m going to post this anyway — as is — even though I’m sure it is a jumbled mess. I promise I’ll run spell check 😉
They’d also tell me to look at the richness that surrounds me instead of focusing on the lack. So, I’m going to dive deep like Lady Gaga here and say I’m really thankful for a husband that truly gets it and gets me.
Boy does he get it.
He’s been there. He knows what this stuff feels like on so many levels. God blessed me with a kindred when he put us together. And even though no two brands of ADHD are alike, he doesn’t have to guess what ADHD feels like. He’s no stranger to the pains of anxiety and depression either. And it’s just plain simple … he’s simply amazing.
He was here for me today. He set aside time to listen and support me. He encouraged me to take the time I needed even though I know it put him in a bind. I’m trying not to feel terrible about that – which is hard. I know it’s going to help no one for me to beat myself up about this.
Blessed beyond measure, I have a husband who is amazeballs.
He’s intelligent, funny, deep and compassionate. And, he’s just the most incredible artist. Even if I’d never met him, I would be a steadfast fan of his work. He cares deeply for those he wishes to reach with his art. He is driven by the way art can connect people, the way it can speak to a soul and let you know that you matter and that you aren’t alone. I love that. I love seeing people moved by his art. And I know it’s because they feel his heart.
Definitely feeling a little bit more float now.
Resolve and Resolutions
Don’t give up on me yet, I’ll be back with that list I promised soon. It’s going to be a work in progress though. It might just have to start as a big old mess on the table and then get worked into something that makes sense.
Till then …